Understanding Grief

3 minute read

It is normal to feel overwhelmed with even the most simple tasks after experiencing the death of a loved one. Sorting belongings, whether yours or someone else's, is often the last thing that you have the energy to face whilst grieving - and yet we know it needs to be done. Not only does reducing clutter create space and a sense of accomplishment, when big things happen in life, decluttering can be a way to create order and a much needed sense of safety to in a world that feels as though it has been turned upside down. One of the most painful experiences that we face as humans is the death of a loved one, but, like many other major transitions, it doesn’t come with any kind of roadmap. Understanding what is going on is not just about acknowledging that you are feeling sad, it's about appreciating the complexity of how the emotions relate to your surrounding space and possessions.

The Individual Nature of Grief

The tricky thing about grief is that it is as unique as the relationship that you had with the person who died. Over the years many psychologists have tried to find a formula for grief but, while models like Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) provide names to some of the emotions that can be felt, they were never meant as a prescription for grief. The truth is that the emotions that bubble up during a bereavement rarely follow a linear path. Another model, Strobe and Schut's Dual Process Model, anticipates that people are likely to “oscillate” or switch between what’s called "loss-oriented" and "restoration-oriented” behaviours. When you get to understand this Dual Process Model you can sometimes identify as to whether you or someone else has got stuck, either in the grief (the “loss”) or in the super-busy denial (the “restoration”) in the altered world without the loved one.

Impact on Organisation and Daily Life

If we think of grief as a trauma, it can shed light on why those who are grieving may experience poor executive functioning. What happens when our brain is impacted by trauma is that we are likely to be hyper-vigilant and easily activated, meaning that our thinking brain goes “off-line”. When we understand these reactions, it is easier to find compassion as to why even simple organisational tasks may feel overwhelming. If this is the case, a bereaved person might struggle to:

• Make decisions about belongings
• Maintain regular routines
• Focus on decluttering tasks
• Process paperwork and mail
• Sort through the deceased's possessions

What is important to understand is that these challenges aren't signs of weakness or disorganisation; they are a natural responses to loss. What is needed, is to ensure that when we are grieving we feel safe and supported at all times in the most compassionate and non-judgemental way.

Supporting people who are Decluttering whilst Grieving

Many APDO members are familiar with supporting a person through the decluttering process of a bereavement.  Engaging a professional organiser means that you have someone by your side who understands things such as:

• Following the bereaved person's pace, not pushing for quick decisions
• Creating a safe space for sharing memories
• Understanding that some unexpected items may hold deep emotional significance
• Recognising that apparently 'simple' tasks might feel overwhelming
• Being prepared for emotional moments during sorting sessions

In grief theory there is a concept called Continuing Bonds whereby remaining connected to the deceased provides comfort and support in coping with the loss and adjustment. This explains why what sometimes looks like clutter to us might be another person's way of maintaining connection with their loved one. It is important to understand that this connection is normal and may always be necessary because grief has no timeline. If you are supporting another person through the process of trying to declutter belongings, you may need to navigate a delicate balance between holding on and letting go.

Other Support

Whilst some element of listening and practical support from an APDO professional is part of the decluttering and organising service, it is important to recognise when you or the person who is grieving might benefit from additional help. If you are not sure where to turn, to Cruse Bereavement Support has a website with a wealth of information, a helpline and bereavement support sessions for those who are struggling. With regards to finding a qualified private counsellor, both the BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and UKCP (UK Council for Psychotherapists have therapist directories where you can find therapists in your area.